Roddy's Ramblings

Thoughts and tales; some of them may even be true.

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Location: Australia

Hopefully whatever there is to know about me will come through whatever is written below - whatever that may bring...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

A Tale... Addiction

I sit and look at it and it looks right back at me. Do I want it? Of course. Should I take it? That is more difficult. I want it, but do I need it? Looking at it I take another deep draw from the cigarette and watch the grey, blue smoke rise from the side of my vision, but still it occupies my sight. Questions, reasons and excuses float around my mind. What would it actually mean if I had it? There is nothing else to distract me as everything I always watch has finished on television. I lean back in my chair bringing the glass of wine with me. Still looking intently at it, I drink from the glass. Swirling the dregs around the base, I down it and notice that the bottle beside it has been emptied. I stand, stretching, taking a deep breath deliberately closing my eyes to intensify each feeling from my stiff body - desperate for distraction I go to the fridge to retrieve another bottle. But even as I remove the cork, it reaches back into my thoughts to encapsulate my attention.

Standing in front of the table, filling my glass, I approach the problem as logically as possible. To find the solution you first have to understand the problem. Is it a lack of will power causing this low key dilemma? If I was to have it, would I just be proving myself a slave to something? Who else would it affect, I mean, really? It’s not as if she’d even notice. She’d already had some. Another puff on the cigarette. Would she? No, it’s just silly; it not as if it even matters and I can’t believe it’s bothering me so much. Really. I had some yesterday, I had some the day before that, but it wasn’t a problem. I have too much sometimes and the sickness takes hold of me soon after, my body attempting dissuasion of abuse; but it can feel so good to have it. The foil packaging is already open revealing its temptation. I take it.

Sitting back in the chair, the pleasure swirls around inside me and all thoughts are banished, unaware of my surroundings. The voice comes from behind me, filled with anger and disbelief. “I don’t believe it; you’ve eaten the last bloody Rolo!”


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